


To Win a War

by demonsonthemoon



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: (partially), Epistolary, Gen, Non-Linear Narrative, Relationship Study, pov switching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 03:10:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8187248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonsonthemoon/pseuds/demonsonthemoon
Summary: They met in a coffeeshop in Melbourne.No.They met through letters, through a series of "Dear Dr. Geiszler" and "Dear Dr. Gottlieb".
They left each other in a coffeeshop in Melbourne.No.They left each other in a Shatterdome in Lima.





	

« I have no idea where you're going with this, Hermann. »

« I'm not going anywhere. _That's_ the point. »

Newton has his things packed, all of the possessions he can't afford to lose in one pathetic duffel bag and this scene carries so much echo Hermann feels sick with it. But this time, he thinks that maybe there's still something he can do to change things, he thinks that maybe it's not too late.

 

*

 

They had agreed to meet in a coffeeshop in Melbourne, since both of them were there for a congress and needed a break away from the disgusting coffee they served in conference rooms.

They had agreed to meet in a coffeeshop in Melbourne, and Newt was sweating under his white shirt, despite his rolled-up sleeves. He had waited for months, for more than a year actually, to finally meet Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, the man behind the letters. What would he be like, this like-minded soul ? Newt had googled his name, of course, had searched for pictures, for a face to associate with the words he kept reading and re-reading. But pictures couldn't tell him anything about the man's voice, about his facial expressions and verbal tics. It couldn't tell him how the quick wit that Newt had noticed on paper translated in real life.

Newt was already regretting the fact that he had ordered coffee and not hot chocolate. He was nervous enough on his own, didn't need the additional help of caffeine in his system.

The door to the shop opened once more, bell tingling, and Newt raised his head quickly. He smiled.  
  


*  
  


_Dear Dr. Gottlieb,_

_  
Joint to this letter are the papers you asked for. I hope they might help you build up your theory on the Breach's structure._  

_You raised a few points in your last e-mail that I would like to address in particular, as I have some theories about them that might be of interest to you, though they are not yet part of my published literature._

_The first one concerns the well-spread theory you have mentioned that the characteristics of the Kaiju's original dimension could be inferred from the Kaiju's particular biology. I have to say that I am unconvinced by..._   
  


*  
  


« We're fighting a war here, whether you want it or not, and I know that's not what you would like me to say. » Hermann rushes through his thoughts like he never has before. This has never been his way of talking. His speech is usually clear, precise, ordered and succint. But he doesn't have the time for a brain-to-mouth filter right now, he barely has time to think. Because if he doesn't keep talking, because if he doesn't fine the right words, Newton will be leaving. « We're fighting a war, and it's getting to us all. I know we're scientists, I know it's part of who you are, but at this point we have to accept that we cannot _not_ be soldiers. We have no other choice but to take a stand, no- »

« But I _am_ making another choice, _Hermann_ , » Newton spits the name out like it is poison on his tongue. « I'm _leaving_. I'm getting away with as much integrity as I can still muster, and it might not be much but clearly it's more than _you_ have. »

« But it's not about integrity. It's not about power or patriotism or - »

« What is it about, then ? You still haven't told me ! »

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Geiszler,_  

_  
I am indeed familiar with Dr. Mikimoto's work. Her results are very impressive, though her work ethic seems to be dubious at best, which makes me doubt their reproductibility. Of course, hers is not my area of expertise, therefore I am not at ease to comment any further. However, I am sure that you have a more informed opinion on this subject than I do, and would be curious to hear it. Out of a purely scientific kind of curiosity, I hope this is well-understood._

_I agree with your conclusions on the link between the anatomy of the Kaijus and Breach dilatation, though I think that the stand you have taken against the category system could be more refined. As you have noted yourself, the anatomic structure of these creatures is complex enough that creating an adequate terminology which could be used in real-time during a battle wouldn't be worth the effort. I hope you will find my opinion on this subject informed enough, since I have partly helped to engineer the Jaegers and am very much up to date on their latest technological developments._

_On the question of..._

 

*

 

Newt stood up and held out his hand as Dr. Gottlieb/Hermann walked up to his table. In his head Newt called him Hermann. Had been doing so for months. But on paper he kept to the more formal « Dr. Gottlieb », since he was still unsure of how familiar the man considered them to be.

« Newton Geiszler, » he sais as Hermann shaked his hand. « Call me Newt. »

« Doctor Hermann Gottlieb, » the mathematician said. The formality of his tone immediately cooled Newt down. Apparently, the titles would have to stick for a while longer.

« Nice., uh.. It's nice to finally meet you face to face, » Newt said, trying not to lose his cheerful smile. He had been looking forward to this meeting, sure. Maybe he had spent a bit more time than usual choosing his outfit that morning. Maybe he had gotten his hopes up too much. « I mean, I got to see one of your conferences before, but I guess actually talking to you isn't the same. »

Hermann nodded and sat down, waving for a waiter to take his order.

The gesture triggered an itch in Newt's skin. He didn't know why, but he felt uncomfortable, like something was wrong. Why did things always have to go wrong ? He started to scratch one of his forearm, where he had gotten a new tattoo two months previously.

That seemed to catch Hermann's attention -

 

*

 

« It's about doing something. Anything. Not because someone ordered us too, but because we don't have any other choice. » Hermann sighs, scratching his nose where his glasses would be, if he was wearing them. « I know you don't want to be here... »

« Oh, really ? What gave it away ? » Newt twists half of his mouth upwards, in an expression that Hermann cannot call a smile. « Maybe the fact that I'm currently outside and carrying a bag full of my stuff ? » He rolls his eyes.

Hermann wants to do the same. He hadn't expected this to be easy, not with Newton involved, but he had hoped that it wouldn't be this difficult. He can feel anger rising inside of him and does his best not to lash out.

« I know you don't want to be here, but I also know there's a reason why you enlisted in the first place. »

Newton doesn't reply, looking at Hermann defiantly. He isn't going to give him any easy answers, Hermann realises. He is going to let him do all the work, and will not participate except to be a silent judge.

« Please, do continue, Hermann. Tell me all about what you think you know of me and my life. »

The anger burns hotly in Hermann's gut, and he realises that maybe holding it back is not the good way to go, here. They've never been good at holding things back.

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Gottlieb,_

_  
Are you completely insane ???_

_I heard that you asked to enlist into the Jaeger Pilot training programm. Hence my question._

_I hope you do realise that, as one of the most brilliant scientific minds of this generation, you cannot afford to let your brain be beaten to mush inside of a giant tin can._

_At the risk of seeming like an utter prick to you : I hope you don't get in._

_I didn't know you were so selfish._

_  
Sincerely,_

 

_Newton Geiszler, PhD._

 

*

 

« You're not as unpredictable as you think you are, Geiszler. Actually, you're even quite easy to decode. » Hermann lets himself smirk. He should have chosen a more brutal approach from the start, just because it is so _satisfying_. « You're morally opposed to the military, but you still joined a military organisation. Why ? Because you had no other choice. The Kaijus have become your life. And despite K-Science being less and less adequately funded, the PPDC is still the organisation that's the most ahead when it comes to research on those beasts, at least if you want to keep working legally. And that's why you came here. And that's why you can't leave. »

Newton stayed silent. He looked like a dog about to bite. « And what does that have to do with you exactly ? »

Here they are, finally. « If you can't leave, why are you still trying to ? » Hermann asks softly.

Newton frowns, confused by the abrupt change in his colleague's tone. He doesn't say anything.

« It's because of me, isn't it ? »

 

*

 

« Is that really a kaiju tattoo ? » Hermann asked, and his cutting voice sent a thrill down Newt's spine. Not a good thrill, more the kind that made him want to run for his life.

Instinctively, he brought his forearm closer to his chest. It felt wrong to act so defensively. After all, he didn't feel ashamed. Quite the opposite. But it hurt, coming from Hermann. Because he had thought that Hermann might understand.

« Yamarashi. Got it done a few weeks ago. »

Hermann was about to give his reply, but was thankfully interrupted when someone brought him a steaming cup of tea. Newt quickly changed the subject.

« Well, I wanted to talk about this theory you mentioned in your last e-mail. You said you had ideas of a model that could predict future kaiju attacks ? »

Hermann nodded, and finally smiled slightly. Newt hid his sigh of relief behind his cup of coffee.

As he started explaining his theory, Hermann slowly came alive, and Newt was happy to just sit back and listen for a while. There was still something bitter about the situation, something that wasn't Newt's coffee. He had hoped that this meeting would be the occasion to get to know the man beyond their work. It didn't seem that would be the case though.

« I don't have enough data yes, of course, but I have this idea for a project... »

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Gottlieb,_

 

_I hope my last letter found you in good health. By good health I mean that I hope you haven't died yet because you tried to mesh your brilliant brain with someone else's less brillant brain._

  _Most probably you haven't, because I guess there's a training process you have to go through first._

_But while we're on the subject of drifting, I was wondering what your thoughts on the concept of drift compatibility are. I heard a rumor that some Shatterdomes were testing it by comparing the pilots' fighting style, which sounds extremely stupid to me, if you will permit my boldness. If a certain threshold of compatibility does have to be reached beyond what is physically measurable, it would most likely be due to interaction between the machinery and the subjects brain. In that case, there should be a way to modify the apparatus to bypass this requirement._

_I will attach relevant documents about this theory to this letter, and would be glad to hear your thoughts on them._

_About the paper you asked me to secure for you in your last e-mail (which was a long time ago, I know), I did manage to get you a copy. You will also find it attached._

_Yours,_

 

_Newton Geiszler, PhD._

 

_PS : I hope you're not ignoring me. If you're ignoring me, I'm sorry. I still think what you did was stupid, but I'm sorry._

 

*

 

« Okay, but we're not just talking about a displacement of light, here. We're talking about creatures that weight several hundred tonnes. The Breach would have to be stable enough to let them through without doing any damage to their biological processes. »

« Of course. That's why I think that the Breach is not a direct portal to another dimension. A direct jump between the two world would entail a shift of energy too great to ensure the portal's stability. There has to be a sort of transition phase. »

« A third dimension then ? Connecting the two others ? »

Hermann shaked his head, biting his lip slightly. « I'm not sure. We know so little about what the nature of the kaijus so-called dimension actually is. All of what I'm telling you is little more than educated conjecture. »

« Do you think we could make something go through ? »

« Once again, it would depend on the nature of the portal in itself. The fact that we can measure the dilatation of the Breach before a kaiju comes out should indicate that it is possible. »

« Okay but... »

 

*

 

« Or at least it's partly because of me. I won't flatter myself to the point of thinking that I am the most massive influence in your life. »

« I don't understand what you want, » Newton said. He seemed genuinely confused. « Why are you trying to make me stay, if you also think that our relationship doesn't work ? »

« Because your work is much more important than us. And besides that... I think that we _could_ work. If we stop trying so hard. We can work well together. We _have_ worked well together before. »

« You were the one who left. You were the one who stopped replying. »

 

*

 

« Do you think we could precisely model the structure of the Breach one day ? Because that would be one hell of a tattoo. »

Newt was looking at Hermann with what he hoped was not a too obviously awe-struck expression. The mathematician/quantum physicist was fascinating when he talked. His whole face seemed to soften in a way which Newt knew was not biologically possible. He knew the last of his coffee must be cold by now, but couldn't tear his eyes away from Hermann long enough to lift his cup to his mouth.

Still, at his remark, Hermann froze.

_Shit shit shit_. Newt realised he had just mentioned tattoos, despite the fact that Hermann had been openly disapproving of his. Did he have a thing against ink in general, or just against Newt's ?

« Like I said, » Hermann started, « We do not have enough data on the very nature of the Breach for me to even think about modelling it correctly. And besides I do not see why I would immortalise something as dangerous as it is on my skin. It would in of poor taste. »

At that he nodded slightly towards Newt's arms.

The biologist rolled his eyes. « Kaiju aren't just dangerous. They're beautiful. They're complex. They're the greatest riddle of our times. I thought you might understand that. »

Hermann snorted. « So what ? You decided to draw your own failings on your skin ? Do you think worshipping those beasts will help you understand them, Dr. Geiszler ? »

Newt frowned. There was something vindicative in Hermann's eyes that didn't belong there. He felt like he has missed something, like part of the conversation was hidden somewhere in the silence.

« I don't worship them. I study them. They're not gods, since I can get under their skin and analyse their organs. I'm the best person to know that they're no gods. »

« Then why, Dr. Geiszler ? Why _did_ you get them tattooed ? »

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Geiszler,_

 

_Your theory on the Drift Compatibility Threshold is interesting and in my opinion worth pursuing. With your permission, I would like to transmit it to Dr. Caitlin Lightcap. Although, I have to remark that the documents you sent me relied in various ways on data that has now become quite obsolete. Does your Shatterdome not have access to the latest version of the PON interface ?_

_Thank you for the copy of Dr. Piérard's report._

_Sincerely,_

 

_Hermann Gottlieb, PhD._

 

_PS : I am not sorry for my decision._

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Gottlieb,_

 

_The J-Tech department doesn't like me and I cannot get any recent intel on Jaeger Tech from them. You are probably my most reliable source of information at this point. The fact that every official information request I would like to address other Shatterdomes has to be approved by my superiors doesn't help with efficiency. German bureaucracy will apparently never compare to the military._

_That said, if you think my report could still be of use to Dr. Lightcap's research, I would be honored if you shared it with her. (Honored is a euphemism. You're working with Dr. Lightcap. I still can't believe it. This woman is the most badass person on the planet right now, and I'm the one saying that.)_

  _By the way, I heard that Lima was working on a new plasma canon. Did you manage to fix the temperature issue ? Because the loading time on those weapons is a killer, literally, but we can't accelerate it if there's no way to control the heat it produces, and it would be mortally unpractical for Jaegers to carry too large cooling tanks. It would make them too slow, and it would be too easy a target. But I'm sure you've thought about this too._

  _Yours,_

 

_Newton Geiszler, PhD._

 

*

 

« Don't you ever look at fire ? Or stare at the sun, stare at it until your eyes hurt ? There is beauty in the dangerous. And... and in the eye of a hurricane, there's quiet. » Newt didn't knew if he was being any good at explaining. If it had been any other person, asking about his tattoos, he would just have said that he didn't care what other people thought. But this was Hermann. « It's a way of grounding myself. »

« And what about their victims ? Do you think those tattoos are grounding to them ? »

Newt flinched and crossed his arms in front of his chest out of reflex. He had heard this question a lot of times already.

« It's not like I'm actively shoving my arms into people's faces, you know. I have some decency. And I do have respect, even if you think I don't. »

« You have strange ways to show it. »

That was enough to bring Newt's frustration to another level, to make it boil into anger.

« And what about it ? What if I'm strange ? We can't all live with a stick up our ass, Mister The-Twentieth-Century-Called-It-Wants-Its-Wardrobe-Back. » He was being petty. Petty and aggressive and _stupid_ and didn't even mean the things he was saying and this wasn't how it was supposed to go but - « I thought that someone like you would be able to understand that you sometimes have to get past the most obvious things to appreciate a person. »

When Hermann's expression changed from cold and biting to openly offended, Newt stopped himself from talking more and tried to remember exactly what he had just said. Then he looked at the cane that Hermann had casually balanced against their table, and the only thing he wanted was to face-palm into oblivion.

« But why would I need to appreciate you as a person ? »

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Gottlieb,_

 

_Remember that one time I wrote you a letter about which classical musician I thought you liked and also which kind of beaver you most resembled ? I was really drunk that night. And hungover enough in the morning that I thought sending it to you would be fun._

  _I'm kind of drunk right now. You can probably guess why._

  _It's always harder when you've worked with them._

  _That's why I don't want you to become a Jaeger pilot. I know your name._

  _Also, it's getting really hard to get properly drunk. Good booze costs a fortune these days._

  _We haven't talked about this in our last few letters. Maybe that's better. I don't know if I could talk about this if I wasn't slightly drunk._

  _Isn't it funny how I'm using the phrase « talk about this » even though I've never actually spoken to you ? I saw a livestream of your conference in Geneva. Your German accent is cute._

  _I probably shouldn't sent this._

 

_Newton Geiszler, PhD._

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Geiszler,_

 

_Attached to this letter is an annotated version of the document you sent me. If you happen to disagree with some of my remarks, do not hesitate to let me know._

  _You once told me that you had trouble keeping up to date with the latest development in Jaeger tech, which is why I wanted to inform you that Dr. Lightcap has started working on your theory of the Drift Compatibility threshold. She hopes to be able to produce a modified version of the PON system that would make a three-way drift possible. I'm sure you're familiar with the Wei Tang triplets ? Dr. Lightcap hopes to work with them. She will move to Hong Kong very soon, I believe. I am sure she will reach out to you at some point to settle everything._

  _I also wanted to tell you about ..._

 

*

 

« And what would I have said ? I was angry. Turning back around before you apologized would have made me look weak. How would I ever have gotten you to respect me after that ? »

« That's bullshit. I already respected you. I probably respected you more than any other person in this world. »

Hermann sighs. « I know. But I was angry that day. I was already frustrated when I came to you, and then I couldn't wrap my head around anything that you said and I just wanted something _easy_. I wanted out. »

He remembers the things that were running through his mind that day, remembers being told there was no purpose in him continuing to follow Jaeger Pilot training, remembers how his own father had told him the news, not softening the blow in any way. He remembers how navigating conversations with Newton had felt painful, like he had to stay constantly on guard because the other scientist was expecting something from him that he couldn't give. Except when they talked about work, about science, because then Hermann could give anything, everything, except it hadn't been enough -

« That's not an excuse, » Newt says, shaking his head.

Hermann cannot help but smile slightly, feeling tired. Of course it wouldn't have been this easy.

« I'm not begging for your forgiveness, here. You can be mad at me all you want. You can even hate me. As long as you stay here. »

« This is confusing. »

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Geiszler,_

 

_As much as I try to discourage any behaviour on both our ends that would fall out of strictly professional exchanges, I feel like I have started to consider you as a friend. You are quick-witted, stimulating, and seem to possess an inexhaustable pool of surprising insights._

  _I do not know what this mean._

  _I have started to re-read some of your letters and look for things hidden between the lines. I have also started to do the same with the letters I write you._

  _I do not know why I have started to care about you. I do now know if I like it._

  _I don't even know why I wrote this_

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Gottlieb,_

 

_I heard that you were going to speak during the K-Science conference in Melbourne this April. I was also asked to be a speaker there, and was wondering if you would like to take this occasion to meet up ? We could do something informal, grab some coffee outside of the conference center. I would love to be able to exchange thoughts with you face to face. Of course, only if you want to. Please let me know ?_

  _About what you said last time, ..._

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Geiszler,_

 

*

 

_Dear Dr. Gottlieb,_

 

*

 

« We are two scientists working in different locations and in different branches. While I value your insight on certain topics, I do not see how enjoying your personality would be helpful to me. »

Newt wanted to hit him. That pretentious brat. It was so obvious that Hermann was hiding his hurt that Newt couldn't think about anything else than hitting him and shaking him until he just _stopped talking_.

« Oh, no, please, be my guest. Keeping your shining manners as far away from me as you can, _Dr. Gottlieb_ , I totally return the feeling. »

Hermann stood up, towering over Newt and looking down at him with a gaze that could burn.

« Goodbye, Dr. Geiszler, it was a pleasure to meet you. »

 

*

 

« It doesn't matter if we don't get along. It doesn't matter if our tempers rise too quickly. What matters is that we help each other. This... » Rivalry isn't the right word, but Hermann cannot seem to think of another one. How can he define something as abstract as his relationship with Newton Geiszler ? They're not friends but they're not just colleagues, and there is no word for the tension spanning between them. « This thing we have, it doesn't have to be negative. We keep each other focused, somehow. »

« I'm leaving because this doesn't work. I wouldn't leave if it did. »

« The PPDC needs you here if we want to win the war. »

« I was never here to win wars. »

Hermann doesn't know what to say anymore. He doesn't have the words to try and order his thoughts. There is something in his throat stopping him from spilling everything, how shouting-matches help him clear his head, how he has noticed that Newt sometimes re-heats Hermann's forgotten cup of tea, how the personal attacks hurt _so much_ but also remind him of how well they've ended up knowing each other. It's only been five months since they've been put in the same lab, but already Hermann cannot imagine not sharing his workspace with Newton.

« I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you how much I appreciate what you've been doing for me these past few months. I'm sorry for going too far and pushing you away. I'm sorry I left that day in Melbourne. »

« I don't... I don't see what... » Newt seems confused, even scared a little.

Hermann takes breath. « What I mean to say is, I've never been angry with you. Not really. I've never wanted to push you away. It's just that it was easier. But we're figthing a war here, we can't rely on easy. So I need you to stay, please. I'm begging you to stay. »

The duffel bag on Newt's shoulder drops to the ground, startling them both.


End file.
